MORNING WOOD
(From a news group posting. The male author was responding to a woman
 who accidentally walked into the men's restroom)

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that
caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him.  Hell, we do that all
the time.  It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for.
Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start
spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's
penises have a mind of their own.  A guy can go into a bathroom stall
because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the
toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of
toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe.  I'm telling
'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer
allowed to pee like a man - standing up.  I am required to sit down
and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay.
Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and
either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet
because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my
sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but
because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a
classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real
problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded
"morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to
pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no
matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it
don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no
choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet
seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers,  the
friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to
use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to
control ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here
will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with
that damn fuzzy thing to stay up.  You jam it back and compress that
fuzzy thing until the seat stays there.  OK, so you start to pee, but
then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning
that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your
weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not
safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife.
I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you
to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the
toilet with "morning wood".

Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and
before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels
hanging on the wall across the room.  Now, even if you are sitting
down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you
start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of
the toilet seat and the top of the bowl.  You piss all over the back
of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to  that damn
matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of
the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning
urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over
the toilet seat.

This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time
precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl
during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame.
We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom
cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our
control.

It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.