A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is
having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a
beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to
shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband,
"shut up...you're next!"

BLONDE ON A DIET
 
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts
her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days,
then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks.
The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my
instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was
going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."